What to Do First When You Decide to Get Divorced: The 10 Steps Before You File

The moment you file for divorce, the legal clock starts ticking — and anything you do after filing is scrutinized by the court and the opposing attorney. The preparation you do before filing determines your position for the entire case. Here are the 10 steps, in order of priority. 1. Consult a family law attorney (even if you think the divorce will be amicable). 2. Open your own bank account if you do not have one. 3. Copy all financial documents. 4. Understand your household budget and expenses. 5. Check your credit report. 6. Inventory marital assets and debts. 7. Secure important personal documents. 8. Consider your children's needs and custody preferences. 9. Build a support network (therapist, trusted friends, family). 10. Do not move out of the house until you have legal advice on whether that affects your position. The biggest mistake people make: acting on emotion before getting legal advice. Moving out, closing joint accounts, or confronting your spouse with I want a divorce before you have prepared creates leverage problems that are expensive and sometimes impossible to fix later. DivorceIQ walks you through each of these steps with state-specific guidance — ask it what to do first in your state and it provides a preparation checklist tailored to your situation. This content is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Consult a family law attorney for your specific situation.

Step 2: Open your own bank account. If all your accounts are joint, you need a sole account for post-separation expenses, attorney retainer, and financial independence. Open it at a different bank than your joint accounts. Do not transfer large sums from joint accounts — this looks like dissipation and judges punish it. A modest amount ($1,000-3,000) for immediate living expenses and the attorney retainer is generally acceptable, but consult your attorney first. Step 3: Copy all financial documents. Before your spouse has any reason to limit your access, make copies (digital or physical) of: 3 years of tax returns (both federal and state), 6 months of bank statements (every joint and individual account), 6 months of credit card statements, mortgage statements, car loan documents, retirement account statements (401k, IRA, pension), brokerage account statements, business financial records (if either spouse owns a business), insurance policies (life, health, property), and estate planning documents (will, trusts). Store copies somewhere your spouse cannot access — a trusted friend's house, a safety deposit box, or a secure cloud drive. Step 4: Understand your household budget. You need to know what it costs to run your household — monthly and annually. Mortgage/rent, utilities, groceries, insurance, car payments, children's expenses, medical costs, subscriptions, and discretionary spending. This number drives child support and alimony calculations. If you have been the non-earning or lower-earning spouse, understanding the household budget is essential for requesting appropriate temporary support during the divorce process. Step 5: Check your credit report. Pull your report from all three bureaus (free at annualcreditreport.com). Look for: accounts you did not know about (your spouse may have opened credit in your name), the status of joint accounts (are they current or delinquent?), and your individual credit score (you may need to qualify for an apartment, car loan, or mortgage on your own soon). Step 6: Inventory assets and debts. Make a comprehensive list of everything owned and owed — jointly and individually. Real estate, vehicles, retirement accounts, bank balances, investment accounts, business interests, valuable personal property (jewelry, art, collections), and all debts (mortgage, car loans, student loans, credit cards, medical debt). This becomes the foundation for the financial affidavit you will file with the court. DivorceIQ includes financial preparation checklists organized by step, with document tracking so you can mark off each item as you gather it.

Step 7: Secure personal documents. Gather and secure originals or copies of: your birth certificate, Social Security card, passport, children's birth certificates and Social Security cards, marriage certificate, vehicle titles, property deeds, and any prenuptial or postnuptial agreements. These documents are needed throughout the divorce process, and access can become contested after filing. Keep them in a location you control — not in the shared home where your spouse could remove or withhold them. Step 8: Consider custody. If you have children, the custody arrangement is the most consequential decision in the entire divorce. Before filing, think through: what schedule works for the children's school, activities, and social life? What schedule can each parent realistically manage given their work commitments? Where will each parent live relative to the children's school? Which parent has been the primary caregiver (this matters enormously in court)? What are the children's specific needs (medical, educational, emotional) and which parent is better positioned to address them? Document your involvement as a parent. Courts evaluate the pre-separation parenting pattern when determining custody. If you have been actively involved (school pickups, doctor appointments, extracurricular activities, homework help, bedtime routine), document it — emails, texts, photos, school contact records, medical visit records. If your spouse has been the primary caregiver, the court will likely preserve that status quo. If you want primary or equal custody, you need evidence of your parenting involvement before the separation. Do not use the children as leverage or information sources. Do not interrogate them about the other parent. Do not make them choose sides. Courts are attuned to parental alienation, and using children as pawns will hurt your custody position — not help it. DivorceIQ helps you think through custody considerations with age-appropriate scheduling tools, documentation checklists, and guidance on what courts in your state prioritize.

Step 9: Build your support network. Divorce is in the top 3 most stressful life events. You need people. A therapist (individual, not couples — you need someone in your corner). 2-3 trusted friends or family members who will listen without judgment. A financial advisor if your assets are complex. A support group (online or in-person — DivorceCare is available in most areas). Do not lean solely on your attorney for emotional support — they bill $200-500/hour and are not trained therapists. Step 10: Do not move out prematurely. In many states, voluntarily leaving the marital home can affect your claim to the property and can be used against you in custody proceedings (the argument: they abandoned the children by moving out). This does not mean you must stay in a dangerous situation — if there is domestic violence, leave and get a protective order. But in a non-violent marriage, consult your attorney before moving out. The legal implications vary significantly by state. Mistakes that damage your case: posting about the divorce on social media (everything you post is discoverable and will be used against you — angry posts, vacation photos, new relationship photos, all of it), hiding or dissipating assets (transferring money, giving away property, running up debt intentionally — courts impose severe penalties), dating before the divorce is final (in fault-based states this is grounds for adultery claims; even in no-fault states it can affect alimony), and making major financial decisions without legal advice (selling property, cashing out retirement accounts, quitting your job — each has consequences you may not anticipate). The single most important piece of advice: take a breath. The urge to act immediately is strong, but the preparation phase (steps 1-10) should take 2-4 weeks of quiet, deliberate work. Rushing into filing before you are prepared gives up leverage that you cannot get back. DivorceIQ provides emotional support resources, state-specific guidance on moving out and property rights, and social media guidelines for the divorce process.